While polyamory dispenses with the idea that love is defined principally by exclusion, what it includes is wildly up for grabs. Versions are myriad, from “monogamish” (a term coined by sex-advice columnist Dan Savage), where devoted couples don’t sweat dalliances on the side; “hierarchical poly” where a “primary couple” also enjoys secondary partners singly or together (think the Underwoods in House of Cards); “solo poly,”, for the more independently minded who choose not to organize their lives around a single primary partner or couple; the “throuple,” a loving unit of three instead of two; and the “relational anarchist” where the traditional idea of a relationship is dispensed with entirely (anyone who’s seen the film Passages will know this one doesn’t usually end well).
The key to making any of these work is a foundation of trust, open communication, mutual negotiation, and consent from all parties—usually grounded in an oral, or more rarely written, agreement. Due to being historically less beholden to heteronormative conventions, members of the LGBTQ+ community have been pioneers in establishing polyamorous relationships and defining their norms; some forms of polyamory are arguably more straightforward for queer, bisexual and gay people—especially in same-sex throuples or “unicorns” where an opposite sex couple is joined by a bisexual third.
While it may seem more playful, polyamory is no simple solution to monogamy’s problems, nor is it for the faint-hearted. Poly relationships are no freer from the conflicts, misunderstandings, and jealousies than traditional ones endure: in fact, additional lovers, or “paramours” in poly jargon, increase complexity by orders of magnitude. Fortunately, polyamory isn’t short on advice: just one dependable guide among many is Hardy and Easton’s The Ethical Slut, now in its third edition.
If these sorts of arrangements seem weird and alien to you, you may take issue with the title of this article, but bear with me. As I’ve written previously with regard to personality types or mental health diagnoses, giving yourself labels is only helpful up to a point. When it comes to polyamory, it is better to see it as an alternative perspective which, whether practiced or not, can free us from the way traditional monogamy has constrained our understanding of relationships.
Defining polyamory on your own terms
I’ve often heard it argued that polyamorous relationships are just an escape from the commitment, responsibility, and sacrifice required by monogamy – and this can be true. However, it can also be true that relationship crises that seem to be about monogamy hide other issues that need further examination – as turned out to be the case for Simon and Amina.
As a psychotherapist I have learned that successful relationships are less to do with how many people are involved than the quality of communication and respect within them. The creative power of polyamory is that in refusing to conform to the constraints of monogamy, you are forced to think about relationships with fresh eyes, from outside the box rather than from within it.
