You’ve probably made a joke about showing signs of “abandonment issues”—blaming them for why you panic when your partner wants one night alone, or why you’re triple-texting someone who’s taking too long to reply. But there’s a difference between being a little needy every now and then and living in a constant state of, “What if everyone leaves me?”
At its core, “abandonment issues stem from a deep-seated, pervasive fear or anxiety about possible rejection or losing somebody,” Hasti Afkhami, LMFT, a Los Angeles-based psychotherapist at Bustan Therapy certified in trauma therapy, tells SELF. While feelings of abandonment might show up during minor situations, say, your bestie seeming more distant than usual, these reactions often trace back to more foundational experiences. It’s most likely to stem from a past where a parent or caregiver (but also in some cases, a partner or spouse) was unavailable, absent, inconsistent, or abusive.
Whatever the cause, these early wounds tend to seep into every relationship (even with those who’ve done nothing to make you question their loyalty). That’s why recognizing what abandonment issues actually look like is an important first step in feeling more secure.
Beyond everyday worries or a bit of overthinking, here are the signs to look for.
1. You cling tightly and seek constant reassurance.
Even the tiniest bit of perceived distance can be anxiety-inducing for anyone carrying abandonment wounds. So in a desperate effort to hold onto that sense of security, you may exhibit really clingy behavior—a telltale sign of abandonment issues, Kaytee Gillis, LCSW, a psychotherapist specializing in trauma and author of Healing from Parental Abandonment and Neglect, tells SELF
This isn’t about simply wanting company. “You become overly dependent on others to feel okay,” Gillis explains. “It’s like that wounded inner child is desperate for love and affection they didn’t get when they were younger,” which explains why you might expect instant text replies or nightly calls to feel secure. Or you may repeatedly ask questions like, “Are you mad at me?” or, “Do you still love me?” the second you detect a slight change in tone. You might even find yourself tagging along to every errand or social event just to avoid being left out—or in your mind, left behind.
2. You base your self-worth on someone else’s actions.
People with abandonment issues will usually interpret little, normal shifts—a partner wanting a “guys night,” your favorite coworker canceling happy hour plans last-second—as evidence they’re no longer loved or wanted, Ruschelle Khanna, LCSW, a psychotherapist based in New York City, tells SELF.
In these cases, overly critical, generalized thoughts often pop up. This might sound like, “I must have done something wrong—I always mess things up,” because a friend didn’t like your recent Instagram post. Or “I’m too much for people—they always leave me for someone better,” after the person you’re dating seems distracted over dinner. Because of past experiences in your family or romantic relationships, where bonds were unpredictable or unexpectedly severed, “your instinct is to assume there’s something fundamentally flawed in your character and to ask yourself, What’s wrong with me?” Khanna says, which can trigger not only fleeting anxiety, but also intense panic.
3. You push people away before they can leave you.
On the opposite end of the spectrum, lots of people with abandonment issues will sabotage relationships, Gillis explains, as a way to mentally protect themselves from the pain of being rejected again.
