Grace describes this process as “creating a context for our desire to thrive,” which should include seeking “sensual, sensory pleasurable experiences” that aid in our pursuit of arousal—and beyond. “For some, that may mean taking a nice bath, lighting a candle, having a glass of wine, doing some breathing exercises, or applying body lotion—essentially, creating a space and going through foreplay with yourself,” she explains.
5. Explore erotic content that actually turns you on.
Gone are the days when mainstream porn was the only resource for sexual pleasure—and honestly, thank god. These days, your options—from visual and audio material to innovative sex toys— are seemingly endless.
You may want to explore ethical porn sites such as FrolicMe (which, fun fact, was founded by Richards) and Erika Lust, or audio erotica like Bloom Stories (one of my favorites), Dipsea, or Quinn. If you’ve struggled to connect with porn (in all its forms) in the past, you might prefer a more personalized option like Dr. Coles’ guided self-discovery (slash masturbation) tool, My Vivid Fantasy. Her “create your own fantasy” quiz asks you a series of in-depth questions to determine what you find sexy as well as what may turn you off. At the end, you’ll have the option to have your very own bespoke audio or written erotica created.
Don’t be afraid to think outside the box if traditional resources don’t work for you. Spicy books have been a solid pick for me personally, particularly romantasies like A Court of Thorns and Roses, Fourth Wing and Quicksilver. That said, if you’re hoping to tap into them as erotic material, try to save them for when you actually have the time and space to really get in that headspace. As Dr. Coles points out, when we read or listen to smut during mundane tasks like housework or a subway commute, it can start to feel like background noise—making it harder to access that same spark when we do want to read for, ahem, pleasure.
6. Change up how you masturbate.
If you’ve succeeded in creating a context for your desire to thrive, the next step is to learn to masturbate really well. And despite what you may have been led to believe about climax being the be-all, end-all, this is not always about seeking an immediate high. “Whether it’s reading, watching or listening to something, it’s not just about the orgasm but the pleasure overall,” Grace says.
To focus less on release—or just to simply to savor the buildup—try switching up the way you’d usually touch yourself; Richards suggests giving yourself a full body massage, followed by a touch session “stimulating lesser-known places like the nipples, lower belly, and inner thighs before moving to the genitals.” Apps like the aforementioned Ferly can take it from there if you prefer a little guidance.
You might also try expanding your toolkit to experiment with new sensations or focus areas. That could mean introducing news toys—whether you’re curious about G-spot toys, butt plugs, wands, or clitoral vibes—or bringing in (the right kind of) lube. If you prefer convenience or privacy, you can always buy online, but Richards notes that shopping IRL is a fun way to get a new perspective. “Go to a feminist, woman-owned, or boutique sex toy shop and ask them about the products they recommend and how to use them,” she suggests.
7. Seek further guidance if you need it.
If you’ve been struggling to connect with your sexuality or build the kind of solo sex life you want, there’s no shame in needing further support. Speaking with a therapist can be a helpful step toward working through whatever could be getting in the way, whether that’s a provider who specializes in sex or simply one you feel safe opening up to. Dr. Coles recommends reaching out when you keep running into something that’s blocking your way forward—maybe anxiety, shame, past experiences, or simply not knowing where to start—especially if it’s been happening for longer than six months.
“When you know what you want, you’ve tried to get there, you’ve done the research, and you just can’t make it happen for yourself, reach out for help,” Dr. Coles says. Because no matter where you are in the process, it’s worth figuring out what works for you.
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