My Personal Triathlon Consists of These Three Events

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I have two nice things to say about triathlons, which is that they’re long, and they’re difficult. (Yes, they’re also steeped in history and tradition, and the community seems pretty cool.) But, Lordy—could the sporting gods have picked a more somber collection of events? Swimming, biking, and running are about as basic as a pumpkin spice latte. Even the Olympics has skateboarding these days.

While I have nothing but respect for anyone who would even contemplate completing a triathlon, many of us at Outside have a hard time doing the same, grueling activity for hours at a time. The rest of us have bad knees. Besides, triathlons have been around since the seventies. Isn’t it about time to change things up?

So, the editors—philosophers that we are—put our heads together to come up with some alternatives. So far, not a single national sporting committee has taken us up on any of them. But, as always, we’re just going to assume we’re ahead of our time.

Here are eight multisport linkups we’d much rather participate in than a full triathlon.

Spending all day in the sun is fine—unless you have skin as fair and burn-prone as I do. As an alternative, I propose we move the whole triathlon business underground. Call it the Moley Trinity. Competitors will connect a canyoneering route, a spelunking adventure, and an off-width climb in a terrible, beautiful, and highly abrasive linkup of semi-subterranean sports.
— Corey Buhay, interim managing editor, Outside

I suck at swimming, which is why I’ve never tried a tri. And a stubborn piriformis injury has put the kaibosh on competitive trail running. So if I could pick any three triathlon events, I’d keep biking in there, but make it mountain biking. Then I’d add in 10 laps on a perfect hand crack, and I’d top it off with 60 minutes of jump roping—my favorite form of cardio.
— Maya Silver, editor-in-chief, Climbing

Hike, pick a gallon of wild berries, then bake them into a pie. Points for time, but your final confection will also be judged in the style of The Great British Bake-Off. The hardest part is collecting enough berries without eating them all straight off the bush.
— Zoe Gates, senior editor, Backpacker

Slam a gas-station four-pack of Red Bull on your way to the lake. When you arrive, grab your SUP and paddle until your arms give out. Finally, snag a prime shoreline spot and hang your hammock. Whoever dozes off first wins. (Can’t fall asleep? That’s God, or maybe the Red Bull, telling you that you haven’t paddled enough.)
— Adam Roy, editor-in-chief, Backpacker

Bike, to inline skate, to swim—the ultimate urban tri. The biggest crux here is transporting your skates via bike. Do you tie them around your neck, throw them in a pack, or swing them off the handle bars? The strategy we have tried is attempting to ride the bike with blades already on. Would not recommend.
— Kade Krichko, contributing editor, Outside

Okay, one more idea. Allow me to pitch you Mudsport, a sloppy six-mile mud run, followed by an intense but sporting game of swamp football, with a stretch of highly competitive bog-snorkelling to cap it off.
— Corey Buhay, interim managing editor, Outside

I’m 13 weeks postpartum, so any kind of exercise is an accomplishment these days. I propose a tri for new parents: Drink a full cup of coffee before it gets cold. Then pop your child into a stroller and jog to the nearest kid-friendly attraction so you can push the stroller around while your little one snoozes peacefully, appreciating none of it….all on wildly limited sleep while nursing as needed. Bonus points if you have to change a blowout along the way.
— Abigail Wise, brand director, Outside

I’m a great swimmer and used to be on a swim team, but if I never touch water again—minus showering and bubble baths—I’d be OK with that. My preferred triathlon consists of a morning session spent training my friend’s kitten to wear a harness so that he can join me on my trail walks, taking said kitten on my favorite 2.3-mile trek, and then parking my car in front of the beach for a nap.
—Ayana Underwood, senior health editor, Outside