Romantic red flags and dramatic betrayals get a lot of attention (rightfully so). But it’s often the everyday bad relationship habits that quietly drive couples apart.
Compared to the biggies like cheating, yelling, or outright disrespect, more subtle patterns—in the way we communicate (or don’t), the assumptions we make, the emotional needs we ignore—tend to slip under the radar and get dismissed as annoying yet harmless quirks. But really, “what ends up happening is that resentment builds, and it builds, and it builds,” Janet Bayramyan, LCSW, a licensed psychotherapist at Road to Wellness in Los Angeles, tells SELF—which is why recognizing these small but impactful behaviors (before they grow beyond repair) is so important.
Read below for the most common mistakes even the strongest couples make without realizing, according to relationship experts—plus, easy fixes to keep your romance strong.
1. You hide behind humor to avoid deeper discussions.
Whenever serious topics come up, you turn into Chandler Bing—cracking jokes or dropping sarcastic one-liners to lighten the mood. Whether it’s a talk about moving in together, money stuff, or big feelings, you’d rather dodge it than face it head-on.
“Typically, I’ve seen this happen because one partner feels uncomfortable or incapable of having tough conversations and emotional intimacy, so they’ll use humor to deflect,” Bayramyan explains. The problem, though, is that this defense mechanism can leave your loved one feeling dismissed, as if you’re only interested in the fun, easy parts of a romantic relationship—and not willing to face the deeper, messier moments together.
What to do instead: You don’t have to pretend that opening up isn’t scary. “Be honest and let your partner know there’s a part of you that wants to deflect because you have a hard time with serious conversations,” Bayramyan says. For them, this can be the reassurance they need to know you’re not just brushing them off. And for you, this kind of confession is a necessary baby step toward being more vulnerable with your partner.
2. You swap date nights for takeout and TV in bed.
Most long-term relationships aren’t as high-energy as they were in the beginning. As you settle in and get comfortable with each other, it’s normal—even kind of heartwarming—to fall into a softer, more familiar routine that might look something like dinner after work, an episode of your favorite show, some phone scrolling (or fooling around) before bed. Then repeat the next day.
“I get it: Sometimes you’re exhausted and you want to be a blob in front of the TV,” Felicia De La Garza Mercer, PhD, Austin-based couples counselor, tells SELF. (And to be clear, that kind of low-effort, no-pressure quality time is important.) However, it’s also worth paying attention to if you’re sticking to the same old regimen because you’re unwilling to put in extra effort. Because without any pockets of the spontaneity and novelty that brought you together, Dr. De La Garza Mercer points out that even the coziest of romances can start to get boring.
