A well-meaning friend or tough-loving parent has probably already lectured you about the obvious don’ts of surviving a breakup. Don’t stalk their socials. Don’t rush into a new relationship. And definitely don’t hook up with your ex. But in the fog of heartbreak, it’s often the subtler, deceptively comforting habits—the ones that seem productive in the moment—that quietly sabotage your healing.
“We’re taught how to love people, but not how to let them go,” Radisha Brown, LCSW, owner of iThrive Therapy in Augusta, Georgia, and author of Girl Let Him Go: How to Heal from a Painful Breakup to Love Again, tells SELF—which is why it’s so tempting to try anything offering some semblance of comfort.
While there’s no expert-backed playbook for getting over your ex ASAP, avoiding a few common post-breakup mistakes can at least keep you from dragging out the pain longer than you need (or deserve) to. Here are the surprisingly sneaky ways you might be self-sabotaging your recovery.
1. You don’t open up about the breakup.
Maybe you’re worried that the end of yet another relationship means you’re a bad partner (or person). Or admitting out loud, “Yeah, we’re not together anymore,” makes the split too official…. Like once you tell people it’s over, then there’s really no turning back. (And that’s not something your fragile heart can handle right now.) Whatever the reason, you keep your thoughts and feelings to yourself—or maybe even don’t share the news at all.
Sure, that might feel safe or convenient during the early, raw days post-separation. The problem with toughing it out alone, though, is that a lot of people will continue to isolate themselves for weeks, Brown says, whether out of embarrassment, fear, or pride. And so you miss out on all the support from others that could be making your recovery way more manageable: A good friend, for instance, can offer perspective and validation you may not be able to give yourself. A therapist can teach you ways to process betrayal or grief in ways that journaling alone can’t.
What to do instead: You don’t have to broadcast your single status to everyone in your life (or in the group chat). But leaning on even one or two trusted people—friends, family, a mental health professional—can help you feel less alone, Brown says.
If you get teary-eyed just thinking about opening up, try using a line like, “Hey, I’m going through a breakup right now and don’t want to get into the details yet, but I’d love your support when I’m ready.” That baby step can be enough to open the door to outside help without feeling overwhelmed.
2. You fill every hour of your day with distractions.
Compared to bed rotting with Ben & Jerry’s, throwing yourself into work or saying yes to every invite sounds like productive, healthy progress. After all, being busy is better than being broken…right?
“These coping mechanisms may feel good in the moment, but doing it too often will only distract you from the pain,” Carla Marie Manly, PhD, a clinical psychologist in Sonoma, California and author of Joy From Fear, tells SELF. In other words, “They don’t actually heal the pain”—which requires you to sit with your emotions and accept what happened. Otherwise, sooner or later, the heartbreak will catch up to you months, even years after the split, often when you least expect it.
